Our hesitation.

In life, we are often faced with situations that have to be resolved quickly, and we have to decide. When we hesitate, we have much to lose and much to inconvenience ourselves and others. For example, a driver pauses, and the accident is unavoidable, even with tragic consequences. A technician can also hesitate – and cause millions of dollars of damage. Parents can hesitate – and their child does not meet Jesus. Every sin we commit is hesitation when we mishandle a situation.
There are two examples in the Gospel: Judas mishandled the situation, got influenced by the desire for money, betrayed Jesus, and when he saw what he had done, he hanged himself. Peter, the dashing apostle, willing to follow Jesus to Pilate’s courtyard, denies Jesus in front of the common maids. But when the rooster’s voice warns him that he has done wrong, he goes and atones for his betrayal with tears of remorse.

Two apostles from the same school of Jesus. Both faltered, and what different results! In the one case, death; in the other, forgiveness and life everlasting. What does this mean? The capture of Jesus and his death was a severe test for all the apostles. Judas didn’t think so much of betraying Jesus or didn’t think it through. He did not assume that there was such anger and hatred toward Jesus among the nation’s leaders. However, when he saw that Jesus was innocent and by his agency was condemned to death, even though he longed for the money, he felt that it didn’t make him happy; on the contrary, it burned him, so he returned to those from whom he received it to exchange it again for Jesus. The other party is not interested in Judas’ actions. Judas is put in a situation that suddenly changes his life. He became a traitor. He knew of Jesus’ innocence, he knew of his powerful teaching of love, and he learned of his love for sinners. He had been present at several events, but now he hesitated. Indeed the sin he was living had blocked his way to go to Jesus, even to the foot of the cross on Golgotha, and say: “Jesus, forgive me!” He has no strength. The power of sin and the evil into which he has fallen is more vital for him than the power of the love that Jesus wanted to give him.

Here we see that Jesus cannot save us without us. He created us without us, but He will not redeem us without us. Under the pressure of remorse, Judas acts unwisely and against Christ’s teaching of mercy. He goes and undertakes a cowardly act. He commits suicide. He commits treason upon himself. He did not give his life and had no right to take it. Peter’s action is the opposite. Even though Peter hesitated, he realized that Jesus loved him. He knew this from several encounters, most recently in Gethsemane, when he could not stand to be awake with Jesus in prayer. Peter, who had been given to fear by the servants, may not have even considered his offense for what it was. He did not admit that he was one of those who had lived with Christ for three years. However, there came a moment when Jesus was passing by, and the rooster crowed. Here Peter remembered the words of Christ, “Will you also lay down your life for me? Verily, verily, I say unto thee, The cock shall not crow till thou hast denied me thrice.” (Jn. 13:38). The cock crows, and Peter realizes that he has denied Christ three times. He, the leader of the apostles, he who had found a place of honor in the eyes of Christ, he, Peter the Rock, had hesitated. Peter, however, does not think but acts. His weeping, his regret for the action he had just committed, is a sign that he loves Jesus. Peter has not fallen as low as Judas. Peter regrets his actions.

Two hesitations. Instructive for us, and only one of them is an example. We are weak even when we strut like Peter. We need to remember that when our faith costs us something in difficulty, our love for Christ shows through. It is not so evil to fall into sin as to remain in sin. Judas could not rise out of it. He did not believe in the forgiveness of Christ, which Christ would indeed have given him if he had come and asked. Christ never reproached Peter for his actions and betrayal, perhaps only reminding him when He asked him three times after His resurrection, “Simon, son of John, do you love me…?” (Jn. 21:15). And Peter, on the third answer, cries again, “Lord, thou sees tall things, thou knowest well that I love thee.” (Jn 21:17). And Peter, who has denied Christ, becomes the one who is to lead his fellow brothers. To Peter, Christ entrusts the primacy.

This means for us to always believe in Christ so that even in those moments when we falter when we commit a betrayal of Jesus and his love, we do not sink so low as to allow the thought that there is no forgiveness for us. After all, the Lord Jesus said in the parable of the Good Shepherd that there would be more joy in heaven over one who needs repentance than over ninety-nine righteous.

As we meditate on the Gospel, let us ask for strength even in moments of hesitation so that we may not lose the love of the Lord Jesus. Yes, we believe in forgiveness. We believe that if we remain faithful to Jesus, He will forgive us our trespasses. Let us be always like Peter, returning to Christ.